Friday, March 26, 2021
Two Months: Firsts and Lasts
Saturday, February 27, 2021
First Taste of Parenthood
It is through bleary, half-closed eyes and milk-streaked pajamas that I type these words--not to mention, with one hand, because the other is being incapacitated by a 7-pound, 20-inch long baby in the crook of my arm. My alarm rang fifteen minutes ago, and I don't mean that glib ring tone emanating from the phone on my nightstand. I am referring to my human alarm swaddled up in the bassinet beside my bed. I open my eyes and it takes me a moment to register whether I really heard her cry or not, since hearing phantom cries happens almost just as often. I wait a moment, suspended between my own very shallow sleep cycles, and there it is--a confirmed wail from the bassinet. I grab my phone and open the Babytracker app. Last feeding was an hour and 20 minutes ago. Hmm, sounds a bit early for her to be hungry, but it isn't unprecedented for her to want to eat well before the three-hour mark. Or maybe her diaper is poopy. Either way, time to get up and check.
It's been a daily grind unlike any I've ever felt before. For the first two weeks, adrenaline was on my side and I never actually felt tired of getting up. I looked forward to seeing her and feeding her in the middle of the night, and I proudly logged every feeding as a little win. I would always wake up before the timer for her next feeding, anxious and excited. Now, at 4 weeks, I feel much more ravaged and I don't always awaken before she does anymore. The honeymoon phase is real. This is not to say that I love my baby any less after that phase was over. It's just that it's heavy coming to the realization that I will essentially be a slave to her basic needs for months on end with no breaks. All of those mental health mantras about putting yourself first and setting boundaries do not feel like they apply when you're the mother of a newborn baby, who is so dependent on you for survival. But along with that grim realization also comes a beautiful one: becoming a new mom comes with a naturally unconditional love that feels so intense that it both hurts and liberates. From that sense of commitment rises endurance, patience, and selflessness that I never knew that I possessed. I have lost some parts of my life that I was proud of, but I have gained new purpose, meaning, and clarity. I am somebody's creator and I mean the world to her, and that is in itself overwhelming and awesome to know.
Thursday, February 25, 2021
Our Daughter is Born

Thursday, January 14, 2021
Nearing the Finish Line
Sunday, December 6, 2020
Gratitude and 2020

Thursday, October 29, 2020
Living with Pregnancy after Loss
We went to Descanso Gardens for a walk the week before my 31st birthday. It is always really sweet to find ourselves there, since it's where we got married in 2015. It hits me every time we come here how time flies so quickly, and this time the feeling was even more poignant. Another year around the sun, another life ready to enter the world, another five years since we said, "I do." We've grown a lot, and yet we still have so much left to experience together. I've taken some time to reflect on where we are in our lives right now and how to make the most out of this waiting period.
Sunday, September 27, 2020
Mooncake Gender Reveal
I’m 22 weeks pregnant today! We had the pleasure of throwing an ignition-free, socially distant gender reveal with our families over the past weekend. With the Mid-Autumn Moon Festival coming up this week, there couldn’t have been a more fitting way to announce our baby's gender than with mooncake, which we baked ourselves with discreetly dyed filling.

Going into having this party, I was still fearful of the possibility of this reality crumbling before my eyes. How horrible would it be to have to announce to everyone that we lost this one too, after celebrating. It shouldn't feel this way, but it does feel like I'd be letting expecting grandparents, aunties, and uncles down. It was bad enough when it was only Wes who knew. But, I'm realizing that the longer I hold this in, the more I am letting that anxiety rule my world. Wes reminds me that all of the evidence has been in favor of this baby being alive and well. We saw the heart beating on the ultrasound multiple times already, measurements have come back normal, we're seeing my belly grow, and I'm still slightly gagging at the thought of sautéed vegetables and poultry. We have more reason to expect than to doubt.
The waiting will continue for just under 20 more weeks, and though we’ve been doing our best to protect all three of us and stay safe, we know that nothing is for sure. What we've learned from the other losses is that so much is really beyond our control. Living through these pandemic days may look uneventful, but I am constantly on edge that anything can happen. Not just to our growing baby, but out there in our ecosystem, in our social system, in our economic system, in the world that this kid may be born into. I've been more focused than ever on the news and anything revolving around social justice, and though I am disappointed, having the awareness is inspiring me, too. Despite everything, our hopes are high. I’m still learning, and I’m not afraid to face the ugly truths all around me and within me. I’m still excited to welcome a new life into this crazy place. These systems need love, tweaking, and rethinking. If anything, there is no better time to raise a new generation to get that job done.
So, with a big breath of positivity and courage (just like when I shared about the miscarriages), I share this great news to lift a burden from my shoulders. I dare to smile and put on a dress that shows my bump. I want to bask in what happy moments this pregnancy can offer now and not deprive myself of what this special, yet brief time can offer us and our loved ones. I knew that it would feel more real when we planned this party, made announcements, and started buying items... and that's all frightening, but it's also really fun. Yes, I have PTSD, but I can let that go slowly and let the joy in. I think that I finally reached that turning point at our 18-week doctor's appointment where we found out the gender of our baby. There was something so tangible and real about everything since that day. Soon after, I started to visibly expand in my belly! It's beautiful, unpredictable, and it's life. And yes, that's pink filling—it's a girl!
Wednesday, August 5, 2020
Who Let the Squirrels Out?
